Back in the swing of daily life! I need to do normal stuff or I’ll just keep moping.
A few weeks ago I posted this.
Chances are, if you’re here you’ve probably already read and responded to it.
I’ve been thinking a lot, a lot, a lot about the responses I got.
The most recent comment I got included this: “As you know, the Church teaches that use of contraception is a mortal sin. Think about that! Would you want to discuss the pros and cons of stealing, committing adultery, purposely skipping Mass on Sunday, etc? No, because the cons are pretty dire.”
And it was as I read this that I realized the heart of the issue:
I’ve spent my whole life being told not to steal, not to commit adultery, not to miss church.
And I’ve spent my whole life being told that if I wasn’t ready to have a child, even as a married woman, then it wasn’t fair to that child for me to conceive him or her. Or that it would be wrong of me to have too many kids because kids need a lot of one-on-one time with mom. And I’ve always been told that contraception is the way to safely ensure that.
I don’t know if those statements are right or wrong anymore…I do see some truth to them, but I also see some selfishness. But most of all those statements are a part of me. They are built into my conscience and they resonate as strongly as my beliefs that it’s wrong to steal or murder. They are a part of my morality that I am trying to cut out of my heart.
No one ever told me that using contraception could be on the same “level” as those sins…for twenty (give or take!) years I just assumed I would have 4 kids, because that was what I wanted. And then I met S and our desires matched up so it felt perfect. So do I go against my conscience and have more than that? Or do I go against my conscience and “plan” my family? I feel guilty just thinking about choosing either way.
I know that for my Cradle Catholic friends, and for my friends from big families, this seems like something that shouldn’t be as difficult for me as it is. But what if one day you found out that something you’d never thought was that wrong is really a sin? What if that thing or behavior you had to cut out was going to have the potential to completely alter your life?
This is going to take time and a lot of the Holy Spirit whispering words of wisdom and strength to me.
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