This One Made Me Think A Lot

28 Jun

http://rachelheldevans.com/blog/growing-up-in-sovereign-grace-ministries-abuse

I’ve been keeping myself super super busy, and I don’t have internet where I’m living right now, so I’m taking a bit of an un-official summer break from blogging.

However.

I read the above post this afternoon, and it’s really made me think a lot…

I’m really struggling with my parents right now. I managed to patch things up with them at the beginning of the summer. But now they’re  pushing me to postpone getting married and abandon my plans for having a part time job and family after graduation in December. Instead they’re offering to pay for me to go to Grad School.

“We’re worried about you.” they say.

“We want what’s best for you.” they say.

“You deserve better than to just be a housewife – you’re so beautiful and smart and it would wrong for you not to use the gifts God has given to you.” they say.

“It would be selfish of you not to keep going to school…otherwise we’ll have to pay even more for your health insurance.” they say.

I’m glad I read that article. Even though it was really long. It spoke to my soul because her story is so close to my own. And it helped me voice some of the things I’ve been feeling lately:

It’s wrong to use religion to get someone else to do what you want. In fact, I’d go so far as to say that it’s taking God’s name in vain.

It’s okay for me not to live a life of constant submission. It’s okay for me to stand up for myself and for what I know is God’s will. Even when that means I have to disappoint my parents a little more. Or a lot more.

God created me to live a life of freedom in Christ – not a life of bondage and guilt. He created me to obey Him above all else. And even though it goes against everything I’ve ever known to do the opposite of what my parents want…I would far rather be right smack in the center of God’s will. 

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7 Jun

It feels like ages ago since I last posted, but I think it’s actually only been two weeks. I volunteered to pick up any extra shifts at my new job, so I’ve been keeping myself plenty busy.

Even though it’s kind of a painful process, I’m learning a lot.

I’m learning how to quietly, patiently, and humbly bear the crosses I’m given, while also making sure that I have coffee with a friend or meet with my priest every couple days so that I can talk and express what’s going on in my heart.

I’m learning the difference between catharsis and just plain complaining.

I’m learning to see people and circumstances the way that Christ would see them. Or I’m at least trying to learn how to do that…

I’m learning that there is a time to speak and a time to keep my mouth shut. And I’m learning that I’ve got a lot of room to improve in deciphering the difference between the two.

I’m learning to keep myself busy throughout the day and then give myself fifteen minute increments of “think time.” Otherwise I go too far one way or the other – and I either bottle everything up to the point that I explode on someone or I constantly feel the need to mope and complain.

I’m learning that I am blessed beyond comparison. I have a good job that I like. I have good friends. I have a sponsor whose family has taken me in and cooked for me, spent time with me, done my laundry for me, and doted on me. I have a priest who loves me. I have a fiance who adores me and who is working to provide for our wedding and the family we’ve decided will follow soon after. I have a God who loves me -and I have plenty of people to intercede with Him on my behalf.

22 May

I’m just not really sure what to do with myself today. I’ve been working ten hour shifts at a grocery store and today is my first day off since starting.

I’ve been working at keeping myself busy so that I just don’t have time to worry…

S isn’t particularly happy with me right now. He’s deploying again in a few weeks and this one is even harder on me than the other one was. And I’ve been a little more vocal about it than perhaps I should be…Last night he gave me a tough love conversation about not working myself to death but also not laying in bed moping when I’m not working.

I just can’t seem to help it. My parents want nothing to do with me. They’re not allowing me to speak to my brother. All of my friends are gone for the summer. S is deploying again. And in the midst of it all, God is silent.

I feel alone. I know that I’m not alone. But I feel more alone than I’ve ever felt before.

I fill my days with work and writing my book and planning my wedding…but they just can’t seem to fill the empty space in my heart. I’m not okay. And I don’t know how to be okay again.

I miss my mom so much.

Healing

14 May

Father, Spirit, Jesus – heal me.

Take my broken heart, my tears, my long lonely nights of insomnia, my hours of holding my tongue as my mother speaks daggers into my life.

Take them – they’re Yours.

And in return give me a heart of strength, eyes full of joy, nights of rest, and days of uplifting words.

But if you can’t do that right now, help me to accept more of this cup of bitterness. Hold my head and my hand as I taste more of the things I do not want.

Help my parents. You and I both know that this isn’t just about me becoming Catholic – I’m growing up and that scares my parents. They need to feel needed. And I don’t need them the way that they want anymore. Give them opportunities to feel – and be – needed.

I trust You.

I asked for a place to live and You gave it to me two hours after I asked.

I asked for another job and You gave it to me two weeks after I asked.

You have provided and I trust You to give me the things that You know I need. I also trust You to withhold the things You know I don’t need – or to give me the things I need in Your own timing.

So whether it takes two months, two years, two decades, or two centuries – please heal my family. Heal my mother’s anger and my father’s disappointment.

Heal me. Love me. Take me. Mold me.

 

Happy Mother’s Day, I Guess…

11 May

Mother’s Day has never been so strange for me.

I found the perfect cards for my mother-in-law to-be, and for my sponsor’s mom who is graciously opening her home to me this summer…

Hallmark couldn’t really say what I wanted to tell my mom this year…

Dear Mom,

I want to hear you laugh again. I want to put a smile on your face. I want that ugly worry wrinkle on your forehead and the resentful tone in your voice to go away. It’s killing me to know how unhappy I’ve made you. So for today can we just forgot that you’re Baptist and I’m Catholic? If I agree to put aside the hurtful things you’ve said, then can you maybe do the same for me? Maybe we can just have a day of peace where neither one of us ends the day crying alone in her bathroom…

I guess we’ll see…

Also I managed to tell my mom I’m moving out permanently and it was a complete disaster.

9 May

Well…I got back from my trip on Sunday. Monday was hard, Tuesday was difficult, and Wednesday was unbearable.

Every time I have to leave my love and get on a plane my heart rips in two and I spend the next few weeks trying to put the pieces back together. This time was even more difficult because of everything I had to come back to…

Today was the first day that I managed to function normally.

On the bright side today I was offered a good job and the chance to shadow at a law firm. I’ve gotten everything sorted so that I can officially move out of my parents’ house, but I haven’t managed to take care of the hardest part: telling my parents…

All I can say is, I’m really glad that Jesus loves me and that S loves me and that my sponsor loves me. I feel really lonely right now, but I know it would be so much worse without them.

I’m also glad that my parents love me…I know that they have to, or they wouldn’t go to all the trouble of harassing me about my perceived screw-ups. I just hope that this round of telling them news they don’t want to hear goes better than the last one did.

30 Apr

I serve a God who works in mysterious ways…

Sunday night I sat on my couch with a cup of coffee and a plate of brownies and I prayed:

God, I’m done. I’m done with all of this. I don’t want to be here right now. Please get me out of here somehow. Please, please, please…

Then Monday I got a phone call from my S…

I’ll be back for a week. I already bought your plane ticket to come meet me when I get in. You leave Wednesday night so go pack your stuff!

I’m not sure what happened or how it did…but I’m going on a much needed vacation!