7 Apr

My parents’ words are poisonous…

“Don’t you dare tell your grandmother. Don’t tell anyone even.”

“You might as well have become a Mormon. In fact, I wish you had.”

“This is just a phase. I’ve signed you up for a conference that’s going to fix you and get you through this faster.”

“You’d better not be thinking about becoming a nun.”

“You’re wrong, and you don’t know what you’ve done.”


I’m just not responding to them…so far if I’ve said something they’ve twisted it. It’s hard to twist silence. It’s hard to turn unsaid words into something ugly and poisonous.

I’m trying really hard to keep in mind that they haven’t even known for a week yet. There’s plenty of time for them to calm down.

S, on the other hand, is still furious. I’m trying really hard to keep him informed without telling him too much. I don’t want to make it hard for him to be a good son-in-law to them…but even based on the overview I’ve given him of my parents’ behavior this past week, he’s started to say that he doesn’t want them involved in our children’s spiritual lives at all. He also wants us to start saving so that we can pay for our own wedding.

I agree with him…is that wrong? Will that just cause further un-doable damage and hurt?

Father, Spirit, Jesus, help me. Save me. Love me. Guide me. Give me grace for my own sins so that I can extend grace to others for their sins against me. Give me words of comfort and wisdom for myself so that I can give those words to others. Help me to know when to be silent and when to speak. When I am to be silent, help me keep my mouth shut. When I am to speak, give me words. 


18 Responses to “”

  1. cinemacatechesis April 7, 2013 at 11:08 am #

    Thoughts and prayers dear. Time will help, although they may never accept your decision. They may even feel like it is S’s influence, so don’t push too hard. Listen to their objections. Stand your ground when you need to, but pick your battles. Remember, our example does more than our words.
    Assuming your wedding will be in a Catholic Church, you’ll probably need to save up anyway. They may not be willing to pay for a Catholic wedding. Just try to keep them included enough that they don’t refuse to come.
    Hang in there dear. You know you’ve got quite an army of prayer pulling for you! God Bless you!

    • elliejaneohara April 7, 2013 at 12:38 pm #

      I do have a lot of prayer! Between my online friends, my sponsor and her family, my supportive friends, the Blessed Mother, and St. Elizabeth Ann Seton, I’ve got a wonderful amount of prayer being sent up to God’s throne.

  2. theoress April 7, 2013 at 11:36 am #

    Wow. I’m praying for you. Have hope, and do not despair. Also, remember that a wedding need not be a $30,000 bash. Our church didn’t even require a donation because we had a small budget and were active parishioners seeking a sacramental wedding, not just two folks who thought the church was beautiful setting for a wedding.

    • elliejaneohara April 7, 2013 at 12:45 pm #

      That’s a really good point! S and I are both pretty financially simple and conservative anyways, so it’s not even that not having a HUGE wedding would be an issue for either one of us. Plus, I’ve realized that when it comes to money, whether it’s for school, or groceries, or a wedding, God will provide for the things I truly need.

      Lately I’d been feeling convicted about how I haven’t given financially to a church in years. I had a certain amount in mind, but this morning I forgot to take my checkbook with me when I went to Mass. I reached for my wallet anyways, and I had the exact amount in cash that I’d been planning on giving – such a good time for the Lord to remind me that He is my provider.

  3. Lyn April 7, 2013 at 11:52 am #

    Bless your heart! I really believe this is just an initial reaction, they will come around, be loving, and kind, and firm. Answer questions if they ask, but don’t throw your precious pearls out where they will be trampled. Love, love, love on your Momma and Daddy, and pray, pray, pray for them. These are knots that you can’t untie yourself, I will pray to our lady to help undo them for you.

    When I became Catholic, I had some interesting reactions. One friend assumed I was becoming Catholic to be a missionary to Catholics and lead them to a personal relationship with Jesus lol. Another told me that she thought aliens had come in the night and sucked out my brain, and replaced it with an errant one. My dad and Momma are in heaven, but my brothers are SO VERY concerned for me. After all, I’ve married the whore of Babylon, and there’s not much hope for me left. My other family members see me as a curious anomoly, and will occasionally ask questions, but more often than not, ignore my new found joy. I just keep praying for them and do my best to answer their honest questions and not be offended at ignorant comments…that’s the hardest part.

    Praying for you.

    • elliejaneohara April 7, 2013 at 12:51 pm #

      My sponsor and I talked a lot about not throwing out my pearls this morning. I definitely think that there is nothing I can say to make them feel better – I just need to let my actions mirror the One I serve.

      Thank you so much for your prayers! Especially to Our Lady about untying these knots. I’d been reading about that devotion, but hadn’t even thought about it in this instance.

      I’ve also had several people suggest that I could be a missionary to Catholics haha. I usually just smile and say something about that being a nice idea. It’s kind of awkward though…it makes me feel like the people suggesting that are putting others down so as to make themselves feel better about my choice.

      • Lyn April 7, 2013 at 1:13 pm #

        Our lady of knots has become my newest fascination/obsession. It was so timely for me in so many areas of my own walk.

        I have a not so popular opinion about lighting up the corners where we find ourselves. There is darkness everywhere, and people that need light for their path. I pray that God will use me where he decides to put me, and that I would be faithful and obedient to His call. Right now, that is in the deep south, thousands of miles from my home/family, with limited finances. I strive to be faithful with what He gives me, where He places me, whether I understand fully or not the how and why.


  4. singingjaniebird April 7, 2013 at 12:14 pm #

    I’m so sorry to hear this, although not shocked. You are living what Christ spoke of in Luke 12:53! On this wonderful Feast of Divine Mercy I will lift you and your family up in prayer. Hang in there.

    • elliejaneohara April 7, 2013 at 12:55 pm #

      I have thought a lot about the words of Jesus in that passage. I never thought He would call me to live them…I always assumed they were meant for someone else. Thank you for your prayers 🙂

  5. geloruma April 7, 2013 at 1:14 pm #

    Hi, I just returned from a talk by Marino Restrepo.
    I thought of your situation Ellie, and thought I should pass this on –
    (He had a mystical conversion experience.) He was speaking on Divine Mercy in particular, and the efficacy of the Eucharist. He mentioned that those who are Catholic or become catholic (even if they are 60!) have been chosen to be so from all eternity. He said that we have a ” territory of souls” to care for. This includes our families.
    He said that when we receive the Eucharist in a state of grace, we are the source of grace for others as we go home from church, God’s grace radiates out to the people around. He said we may never see the results of this until we are in heaven; God blesses those around us through His Eucharistic presence within us.
    He wasn’t belittling those not of the Catholic faith, but was re-iterating the will of God, regarding those who are meant to be Catholic from the perspective of eternity.
    I hope this makes some sense -I can’t explain as well as he can!

    • elliejaneohara April 7, 2013 at 5:06 pm #

      That does make sense, and that’s a really beautiful and comforting thing for me to think on! Thanks for sharing!

  6. SR April 7, 2013 at 7:21 pm #

    My Dearest Heart,

    I am so sorry. I am trying to process this myself, as a parent of grown children. In fact I have read it three times.

    I think you are very wise as far as your “silence” goes. I do not think they are prepared to listen. When someone does not want to listen to us, why speak?

    I also think Ellie, they are having a hard time letting go of you as a “child” and seeing you as the “adult” you are. You are in school trying to do something with your life, so you cannot be such a “bad” child.

    Signing you up for a conference. I do not get that one at all???? As a parent I do not get that one. My kids would say something like, “Sign me up all you want, making me go is another story.” Then again when I raised mine, from that moment on, they have always been free to choose what they felt was best for their lives. It is not to say they did not want “advice” from time to time, but that is where it started and stopped.

    You are a “wise” woman Ellie. As far as your kids, their spiritual life, and your parents, I agree all should stay out of that. Grandparents are one thing. A parent is another. However, I do caution you and S., “Don’t ever use your children as a pawn to “get back.” However you cannot let your parents control their lives, either. So you will have to find “balance” with that.

    You are in my prayers. I understand S.’s anger after all he loves you and is trying to protect you. That is not a bad thing in a man:>) Take care and you have all of my love. God Bless, SR

    • elliejaneohara April 7, 2013 at 8:40 pm #

      So true about the letting go thing. I’ve never really stood up to them about anything before, so I think that makes this even harder to accept. I’ve always been very subservient to them.

      Very good point about getting back by using my kids. That’s definitely something to avoid.

      Thanks for your prayers!

  7. pishnguyen April 7, 2013 at 7:25 pm #

    I think you are right that your parents, right now, are speaking out of shock and hurt. I think they will find some kind of peace with your choice once they have had time to process it fully. But I also agree with what others have said in previous comments: that you shouldn’t throw out your beautiful pearls for your parents to trample. And right now, I think they would do just that. I admire you and feel you are so strong and brave for keeping your silence and doing your best to love your parents in the face of their not-very-loving actions. Eventually, your love will speak to them more than any words.

    In the midst of all this sadness over your family, I hope and pray that you are able to experience the joy and beauty of finding your way home to the Church. I am praying for you and for your parents.

    • elliejaneohara April 7, 2013 at 8:42 pm #

      I am absolutely loving the newness of being one with the Church! I’ve been doing my best to make it to daily Mass, and I’ve found my prayers and devotions to be such a great source of peace.

  8. Faith April 7, 2013 at 7:46 pm #

    It is not wrong to agree with S.

    You’re called to live your Faith, no matter the consequences.
    You have accepted Jesus Christ more so than ever, rather than denying His Divinity.
    Remember that even Jesus’ family and hometown despised him at one point. He did not let it stop Him from fulfilling His calling on earth.
    You don’t need fixing; Christ is your all in all, and He is where you find your identity.
    James 4:17 “So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin.” You’re not wrong; not if Christ is at the head.

    Sorry, I just wanted to respond to each of those things your parents said! I can’t imagine what you’re dealing with right now, but God is faithful, and He will bring good things out of this. Even if the only “good thing” is a stronger faith and stronger resolve to follow what you know is Truth. I’ll be in prayer for you as you work out how to respond to and keep silent with your family.


    • elliejaneohara April 7, 2013 at 8:48 pm #

      Thank you so much, those are great responses! I’ve been doing my best to rest in God’s Word and His promises, and those are some good ones to add to the pile!

      Thank you so much for your prayers!

      • Faith April 7, 2013 at 8:52 pm #

        You’re welcome 🙂 blessings!

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