Ick! Since when am I such a judgmental witch?!?

26 Mar

Here is my problem:

I’ve done a lot, a lot, a lot of thinking these past few months. (S says this whole conversion thing has definitely fed my love of over-analyzing stuff.) So I’m finding myself growing irritated with the people around me who I perceive as not really thinking about what they believe and why they believe it – especially because nearly every person around me is a Christian.

I am annoyed with people for not thinking about things the way I do. I don’t necessarily want the things they think to be similar, I just want them to put the same amount of time, energy, and desire for truth into their thought processes.

I am also kind of hurt with God for not giving people the same challenges…

I cannot describe the envy I felt when I watched a co-worker mindlessly pop her birth control pill. Then I listened miserably as she told the girl next to her about how she and her husband aren’t ready to start a family.

Later I found myself laying awake praying, “Seriously God? How is this fair? She’s a Christian too. Make her feel the things You have made me feel. Make her ask the questions I’ve been asking. Or at least make me feel like I’m not a horrible person for not wanting six kids.”

My school has chapel once a week, and the judgmental, heinous, witch that lives in my heart came out some more…

I watched the movie with challenging quotes cleverly woven interwoven with artful photos and the latest hit from Christian radio. I listened to the speaker’s emotional appeal for me to “rededicate” my life. Then I watched the popular kids on campus get up and sing/play their instruments/look really cool.

And the whole time I wanted to scream.

“God, why are you okay with this? Doesn’t this annoy You the way it does me? No one has even thought to mention You during this service. All that we’ve heard about is how we need to change our lives or go to Hell. Whatever happened to You changing our lives because You love us and want us to be with You and like You? Whatever happened to just reading the Bible, and talking about how wonderful You are? Surely You’ve got to be as irritated with this as I am.”

That was not a good day for me to walk by the classroom that was watching a video about how to convert Catholics to Christianity.

I’ll spare you that prayer because it involved a lot of me telling God how I would go in there and make fools out of them all if He’d let me.

I am struggling because I am seeing the ways God is calling me to be different. And I don’t thinks it’s fair of Him not to ask that of others. But I am also struggling because I am judging others because I see them as not being open to the Lord’s leading. I have searched for Truth and now I am angry because that Truth has changed me more than I expected. And I am angry because I feel like no one else has to change.

But you know what sucks the most?

Even now I feel the Holy Spirit asking me where my humility has gone. “Who do you think you are?” He’s asking. “You are certainly not the first person called to the life of a Catholic and you won’t be the last. And yes, you feel it’s unfair that I’m asking you to be humble, but you don’t know what I’m asking others to do. You struggle enough with figuring out how to obey Me in your own life. Why in the world would I let you in on My instructions for other people?”

Also as a post-script, I definitely feel like these feelings, thoughts, and doubts are the Evil One distracting and attacking me as I get ready to enter the Catholic Church this Saturday night.

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12 Responses to “Ick! Since when am I such a judgmental witch?!?”

  1. SR March 26, 2013 at 1:44 pm #

    You know it is funny as I was reading this before I got to the end, I was thinking, “Where has the humility gone?” You have learned a lot that others do not know, yet. Remember the Bible says, “Many are called few are chosen.” I think that is what becoming Catholic is, we are “chosen” by God to be one. That should make us “humble” right there. That God loved us that much.

    It is hard not to “judge” the faith of others, especially after we have learned so much, still we have to keep ourselves from doing so. It is also very hard to live in a Catholic and Protestant world as we know both sides. Sometimes that is a blessing and sometimes that is not such a blessing.

    Because you were a Protestant with a Protestant family and friends, these things will always present a challenge for you. You will also as time goes, gain Catholic friends and your children will be Catholic. “Balance” is going to have to come into play.

    I have found in my life, I let God handle it and I handle what He gives me to handle. I keep my mouth shut a lot around those who do not share the same beliefs as I do, as it is only by “grace” that I have them. After I am out of their company, I thank God that He gave me the Blessing of the Catholic Church. Now I do not keep my mouth shut all the time, if it concerns persecution of Catholics, but outside of that, I usually do.

    God in the end is going to work all of this Protestant and Catholic thing out, and that is what we have to trust in. We have to remember it was not too long ago, we believed just as they did. We have to understand that now, more then any other time in our lives. Be patient. Trust God. All else will fall into place. Been there with you. God Bless, SR

    • elliejaneohara March 26, 2013 at 9:14 pm #

      Thank you so much for speaking wisdom and peace into my life, it means the world to me 🙂

  2. exreligiouschristian March 26, 2013 at 5:14 pm #

    I know exactly how you feel about being judgmental to everyone around you but God is slowly bringing me out of that. One of my favorite Bible verses to make me focus on Jesus and not be concerned (to the point where I start to judge or get jealous) with others is John 21:22 when Jesus was telling Peter to follow Him but he was thinking everyone else around him and Jesus responded with, “If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You must follow me.” It reminds me that while it is good to be concerned about others behaviors/salvation it is more important to follow Jesus and He will take us where we need to go.
    I hope this helps and I hope that God continues to bless your journey with Him!

    • elliejaneohara March 26, 2013 at 5:20 pm #

      Thank you, friend! What a beautiful verse to think on. Thanks for the reminder to look to God’s Word for comfort and truth – something I haven’t been very good about lately!

  3. Lyn March 26, 2013 at 7:32 pm #

    ((((((((Ellie)))))))))

    My initial thought was this is warfare…you are on the road in obedience to GOd’s call on your life, and the devil is throwing every single thing he can think of to try to trip you up and take your focus off of your Redeemer! I can imagine the spiritual battle between the enemy of our souls and our angelic defenders. I am adding my prayers tonight for you, that you would get sweet rest, and be filled with strength and peace for the days ahead.

    Lyn

    • elliejaneohara March 26, 2013 at 9:16 pm #

      Thank you so much for your prayers! I’ve never felt so in need of prayer as I have these past few weeks.

  4. theoress March 26, 2013 at 8:54 pm #

    Wow, I have so been there, and it’s an ugly place. (I converted at 19 back in 2007). Fortitude, fortitude. If you have been given thoughts and a call that others have not, just count it a blessing. To whom much is given, much is expected. Keep going to Confession and keep reflecting on your own sins and needs before God. Also, I’ve noticed that God doesn’t seem to care much about worldly “fairness.”

    • elliejaneohara March 26, 2013 at 9:19 pm #

      He doesn’t, and I’ve been thinking these past few hours that He gives us all a different cross to bear, and I can only see my own cross clearly – others’ crosses are really none of my business haha! It’s easy to think that when I’m sitting on my couch in my pajamas…it’s just a challenge to keep that in mind throughout the day.

      • geloruma March 28, 2013 at 1:54 pm #

        love your honesty ellie,
        and the reply answers you have so far..join my prayers to thiers for you..

      • elliejaneohara March 28, 2013 at 5:09 pm #

        So happy to have your prayers! Say a special one for me when I come into the Church this Saturday!

  5. Number 9 April 4, 2013 at 8:42 am #

    You are a very wise young lady, obviously very very blessed and grace is overflowing in your words.

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