I just really like Jesus.

12 Mar

Last night I actually got to talk with my fiance. Usually we just e-mail back and forth, or chat on facebook, but last night we got skype. It was so nice…

He’s one of the few people from “my past” who have been supportive of me in this process. So far the people I’ve told (who have known me for years) have fallen into two categories: those who think I’m going to Hell and try to convert me back, and those who smile and say “Oh that’s nice,” and then change the subject.

S just lets me talk. He knows me so well…and he loves me so much. He knows that in order for me to work out the things going on in my head, I need to talk about them until I just can’t talk anymore. He lets me talk myself in circles and he just listens, occasionally asking a question or pointing out where my logic is flawed. Then he says, “I don’t know that there are any easy answers, but I love you. And Jesus loves you. And someday we won’t have to worry about the things of this world anymore.”

Last night I was venting to him about the things that have been on my heart: Confession, my parents, long hours at work, and not knowing whether I’ll find a job when I graduate. Of course I was talking about all four of those things at once and I’m sure he was more than a little confused at some points.

And then in the middle of a rant about how I’m all of a sudden having these doubts, but I think I’m only having them because I’m worried about what my parents will think, he stopped me and asked, “What drew you to the Catholic Church originally? What made you check out piles of books on Church history? What made you walk through those doors for the first time?”

And I was quiet for a bit while I thought about it.

“I just…really like Jesus. I love Him, in fact. And the Bible. I’ve always loved the Bible. I’ve read it so much that it feels like an old friend. But at the same time, every time I read it I discover something new.”

I’ve spoken words like those before…but never so honestly. They were catch-phrases that I said to make people happy. But last night…I meant them.

“That,” S said, “is what you need to focus on these next few weeks. I want you to make the decision that you feel is right, and I think we both know that deep down, underneath your fears and your doubts, you feel that the right decision is the Catholic Church. I will love and support you no matter what you do, but follow the cross, and follow your conscience.”

 

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