Ceding Control

11 Mar

[I’m really sorry if this post makes you uncomfortable. I tried to be as tactful as possible.]

This Thursday I will make my first confession. Ever.

I’m not struggling with being nervous – I’m a very frank person, and while I certainly have committed some very embarrassing sins, I’m not worried about sharing them with my Priest. I know that he will not judge me for the things I’ve done and that he is there to help me deal with my past.

I’m dealing with a different type of feeling.

There are certain areas of my life (and here comes some frankness), like my bedroom, that I am struggling with giving up. It’s been very easy for me to think “I’m not a virgin anymore anyways, so why bother with chastity? I already messed up, so what have I got to lose?”. No one tells you that once you sin sexually, it will be that much more difficult not to do it again.

I don’t want to give this area of my life to the Church. When I was growing up, the churches I attended said “Don’t do it.” But there was no confession. No one ever really asked if I struggled with impure thoughts or actions. So I felt free to think and do as I pleased, because nobody knew.

It’s not that I’m ashamed of the things I’ve thought and done. I mean, I am ashamed, but not to the point where I feel too embarrassed to talk about it with my Priest. I just am territorial about this area of my life. It’s mine and I’ve always been in control of it. It’s my body. Why should the church care what I do with it?

So for the past few days I’ve been arguing with myself about how to handle these feelings.

Today as I was driving to work, I was praying about how to handle the situation, and Jesus pointed something out to me, “You may think this is an area of your life that you control, but admit it sweetheart, your sexuality has been out of control for years now. You have plenty of areas in your life that you are ‘willing to give to the Church’ because you have always been willing to let Me have those areas. This is an area that you haven’t let Me be involved in, and that’s why you don’t want to let the Church be a part of it.” 

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One Response to “Ceding Control”

  1. SR March 11, 2013 at 7:55 pm #

    Wonderful post! When I always think “no one knows” I always try to remember that God does. He truly is the one Who matters. What helps me so much with things like this, is when we receive Jesus in the Holy Eucharist, He is the Guest of our souls. He comes home with us. He lives in and with us. That pretty much stops me from doing what I want to but I know is wrong. The Holy Spirit always reminds me of that, thank God! Good post and thanks for sharing. Good luck on your first Confession. God Bless, SR

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