28 Feb

Today is a struggle.

My fiancee is deployed and today I am struggling with letting go of my fears and my worries for his safety. I’m also having trouble calming down my fears for when he comes back. He knows I’m in the process of entering the Catholic Church, but he hasn’t been here for any part of the process. He’s heard about the changes but he hasn’t seen them yet. What if he gets back and we decide we can’t make things work anymore?

I’m also worried about my family…I live a few hours away from them and I’ve found it easier to keep my conversion a secret than to let them in on what’s going on. They know I’ve been doing “research” on the Catholic Church. When they came to visit me a few weeks ago they saw my Catholic Bible and some of the Catholic books I’ve been reading. But it’s not something we’ve talked about. At all.

I’m scared to tell them. And today is one of those days where I am angry with myself for being scared. And I’m angry with my parents for making me feel like this is something I have to keep from them. I’m angry at them for raising me to see the Catholic Church as a group of evil, selfish, lazy people.

I’m feeling impatient with my professors, with my roommates, and with my co-workers. I had thought that it would be easier for me to be the lone Catholic in the sea of Protestants. But today it’s not. Today it’s not easy to study and live and work at a Baptist University.

I’m lonely. I’ve always been the type of girl to have one or two really close female friends who I can just sit down with and pour out my heart. I don’t have any of those right now. I have old Protestant friends who want to argue, not listen. And I have new Catholic friends who I just don’t know well enough to have the kind of talk I’m craving.

Today is a struggle.


11 Responses to “”

  1. Lyn February 28, 2013 at 6:13 pm #

    I have similar difficulties. I’m in a place right now with a lot of time on my hands, and though I’m not really afraid to talk to my family, when I do try, I feel shut down…thus, the blogging about it. I’m not in a place right now where I can be involved in parish life, as I’d like to be and have come to love the camaraderie and fellowship I’ve found on the WWW with likeminded Christians.

    I am praying for you today…that God would meet you right where you are and bring peace and joy to your spirit.


    • elliejaneohara February 28, 2013 at 6:19 pm #

      Thank you, for your prayers. Blogging has always been a source of catharsis for me and prior to this blog I actually maintained one that had more Protestant leanings (ha!). I’ve always enjoyed the people I get to connect with because of the internet. It’s nice to find people who have through or are going through similar situations.

      • Lyn February 28, 2013 at 6:23 pm #

        You’re gonna make it! Hang on, sister…it is a wild ride for sure.

        My daughter is also a military wife, I will remember you when I pray for her and her hubby. Blessings.

  2. SR February 28, 2013 at 6:32 pm #

    Welcome to the world of “converting to the Catholic Church.” It will all ease given time. There is no one better in the world then “converts” who truly know the meaning of “giving it all up for Christ.” Yet, that is what we are called to do, all of us, not just “converts.” It is hard during these moments, and some make it through them and some do not. I have very few Protestant friends left, and mine as well as well are like yours, like to “argue.” Most of the time I just let them have their say.

    As far as your parents, this has not been the first time you have been “angry” with them or afraid and it will not be the last. Maybe is not the time to tell them. Get into the Church first, it will not be long. Pray about it, and God will give you the time and ask God to prepare their hearts.

    As far as talking, you have a Priest. Maybe it is time to unload, that is what they are there for. Call and set up an appointment with him, and he will guide you through these matters.

    Know we have all been there. We are here for you and understand it all. God Bless, SR

    • elliejaneohara March 1, 2013 at 3:26 am #

      Thanks for the encouragement and advice…it’s hard to remember that this is just a season in my life, but that helps put things in perspective.

      • SR February 28, 2013 at 10:01 pm #

        Just the same it is a “hard” season. You know one time I had to tell my Mom, “Mom I do not mind you anymore. I respect you, but I do not mind you.” Parents (and I am one) have a very difficult time seeing their kids are grown. When they are, they make their own choices, which very often goes against those of our parents.

        Ellie, you are old enough to make the decisions regarding your spiritual life. Some are not going to like the choice and some are going to be fine with it. The conversion will also bring with it, those who you want in your life, and those who will bring no value to it. Sadly to say, sometimes we have to cut those out, for our own peace and harmony, if all they want to do is argue and cut down. I took it for a while, but after it kept going on and on, I knew things were going to have to change, and these were people I loved, still love, but truly were robbing me of any joy I had because of the Church I went to.

        The persecution was the hardest thing for me to get used to, and it does not stop. Somehow, God gives us the grace to deal with it. I know your struggles, I care about you, and it is almost done. Not too many more weeks. I have a friend who will not sit on my couch because I have a crucifix hanging on my wall and that “offends her.” It is my house, offend or not, it hangs.

        Sometimes you will have to make stands and sometimes you will be able to turn and walk away. Pick your battles. My heart breaks for you, but I do know it will all get better, when you become grounded in the Church. It is all so new and to me it was like moving to a different country. I did not understand one word they were saying. Today 8 years later, through studying a lot, bloggers, converts, I made it and have never been happier. You have my email, feel free to use it. God Bless, SR

      • elliejaneohara March 1, 2013 at 7:39 am #

        Thank you for bringing such wisdom to my life. I’m glad the Lord brought us together 🙂

  3. csawchuk2012 February 28, 2013 at 10:09 pm #

    Whoa, sounds depressing in almost every way! Can you make it to Eucharistic Adoration sometime? Jesus might want to hear about your life.
    As for your family, here is what I have to say. We all reach a point in our life when we must choose who to follow: God or our parents. As the Bible says, no man can serve two masters. Remember that God has a plan for you, and that all of the chaos that you are experiencing now must be happening for a reason. We all need to go through darkness in order to see light in the end.
    God bless! I will be praying for you.

    • elliejaneohara March 1, 2013 at 3:28 am #

      Thanks for the prayers, and encouragement. I have never been to Eucharistic Adoration and I hate to admit my ignorance but I don’t know much about it.

  4. SR March 1, 2013 at 6:00 pm #

    I am glad He brought us together too! You bring back so many memories for me. It makes me reflect on how hard things were and how happy I am now. So it is working both ways. God Bless, SR

  5. Francis Philip March 2, 2013 at 7:40 pm #

    My friend, this fear you have is not from God. I, too, converted, and had a fear of telling my Dad. But when I did, he was profoundly impressed. My wife, a “cradle Catholc” also attended a Baptist university, but retained her Catholic faith. I used to attend Baptist worship as a child at times, but I was never convinced or felt a drawing to that denomination – and I did not know God there in the intense way I know HIm in the Catholic Church. But you are called, and you are answering well the call to a very deep and very close relationship with the Lord. Continue along the Way. Rejoice! 🙂

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